86

Preventing Hookups

Sometimes, it may be necessary for a friend’s integrity to intervene before he hooks up with a woman. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including inability to recognize his own beer goggles, the girls 7′0″ 300 lb boyfriend, or that strange bulge in her pants that your buddy has overlooked.

When choosing to intervene, you may only do so when the act of intervention renders both of you unable to hookup. In other words, it cannot be performed in a competitive nature:

  • You may turn the lights on.
  • You may discontinue your friend from drinking.
  • You may not slip in to the conversation while your buddy is in the bathroom.
81

Cats and Dogs

Dogs are and shall always be man’s best friend.

Cats are plotting to kill you.

A dog is a man’s true companion. You will risk your life to save your dog’s, as he would do the same. He will be there when your woman leaves, when your car dies and when your team loses the Super Bowl by 1 point.

The cat is not a pet, it’s a mutineer, and it’s plotting to end your life as your sleep. Always keep a watchful eye.

162

Long Phone Conversations

A man shall spend no more time on the phone with a woman than he can have sex with her.

If you can make it 60 minutes, well then props to you, fellow man.

21

Eating Healthy

Contrary to some man code, eating healthy is not unmanly. You should take care of your body, exercise it and work to improve your manliness.

However, avoid these pitfalls:

  • When choosing a healthy eating option, do not verbally express your disgust. i.e. “Ew, McDonalds is so bad for you, lets go somewhere to get a salad.” This makes you a bitch.
  • When looking over a menu, you may not request tofu or soy substitutions in the presence of other men.
  • Salads are only manly if they contain something that used to have a face.
-34

Gym Etiquette

You are obliged to provide a spot for any man who looks like he could use one. This should be broached delicately, a simple “Want a spot?” will suffice. Take care to not indicate a man’s weakness, only your willingness to help.

If a man spots you, you are obligated to return the favor.

You may never uses vaguely homosexual remarks in a gym setting. Avoid phrases like “Let’s hit the showers” or “Push it”, and always remember, never smack an ass.

Avoid resonating the bad habits of that guy at the gym we all know. This can be accomplished by following these tips:

  • Do not grunt excessively while lifting
  • Do not wear sandals
  • Do not flex for extended periods in front of the mirror
  • Do not use phrases like “getting jacked”
  • Avoid lifting for 2 minutes in between 20 minute conversations with your buddy

Above all else, at the gym, respect those around you and work out efficiently. This is the path to true manliness.

42

Brand Logos

A man may not be seen with more than one clothing brand logo without endorsement.

This includes the logos of Nike, Hollister, AE, Airwalk, Adidas, etc.

This applies to clothing brands only, you are encouraged to display signs of your favorite beer or sports team whenever possible.

78

Compliments

You may never compliment another man on his physical appearance.

It will not be accepted, for example, to compliment the diameter of another man’s bicep, as this can be misconstrued as a homosexual remark. Alternatively, you may compliment a man’s improvement at the gym.

Example:

Joe, you’re arms are looking huge. WRONG

Holy shit Joe, you did twice as many reps as last month. BETTER

In all situations, a silent nod will be acceptable.

96

Greeting A Fellow Man

When greeting another man, always use proper handshake form. The crest between the thumb and index fingers on both men must meet firmly but briefly. Two shakes are appropriate for business settings.

Outside of the business world, a nod is usually sufficient:

  • When greeting a friend or buddy, use an upward nod of the head to signify familiarity and casualness.
  • When greeting any other fellow man, use a downward nod to signify the unspoken man code, and the refusal of any form of challenge.
72

A Friend’s Beer and Temperature

A man has the right to stock the beer of his choice in his refrigerator.

No bitching will be permitted about another man’s choice of beer. This is inclusive of the man’s choice in bottles, kegs or cans.

Notable exeptions:

  • Bitching is accepted and encouraged if the said beer is not served at a proper temperatures:
    • Serve fruit beers at 40-50° F.
    • Serve wheat beers and pale lagers at 45-50° F.
    • Serve pale ales and amber or dark lagers at 50-55° F.
    • Serve strong ales, such as barley wines and Belgian ales, at 50-55° F.
    • Serve dark ales, including porters and stouts, at 55-60° F.
50

Road Trip Pit Stops

When on a road trip, major logistical decisions may be made by the driver of the vehicle. Decisions can only be overruled by the owner of the vehicle.

This includes food and urination breaks. However, should the driver abuse his power and the vehicle becomes soiled, the driver will take full responsibility. With this considered, it is prudent of a driver to use discretion and to be reasonable

 

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