Laws about The Fellow Man

54

Man Hug

A man hug must meet the following conditions:

  • Only one arm behind the back may be used.
  • No more than 3 pats.
  • No facial contact (preferably at least 3 inches of separation).
  • No lingering.
  • ABSOLUTELY no contented sighs.
81

Cats and Dogs

Dogs are and shall always be man’s best friend.

Cats are plotting to kill you.

A dog is a man’s true companion. You will risk your life to save your dog’s, as he would do the same. He will be there when your woman leaves, when your car dies and when your team loses the Super Bowl by 1 point.

The cat is not a pet, it’s a mutineer, and it’s plotting to end your life as your sleep. Always keep a watchful eye.

88

High Fives

If you miss the high five on the first attempt, no re-attempt can be made in a manly way. Accept defeat and move on.

55

The Shoe Rule

It is punishable to ’shame’ someone who has passed out at a party, but only if their shoes are off.

If a man passes out with his shoes on, he has incorrectly factored the delicate balance of his sleep requirements, alcohol tolerance, and testicular fortitude. He is open to all forms of shaming – points added for creativity.

190

Violence

In all situations, it is a man’s duty to protect himself and those around him.

If a man is seen or known to be physically abusing a woman or child, it is your duty to recruit enough fellow men to whoop his ass.

The Testicular Protection code does not apply, and you are allowed and expected to inflict any amount of pain possible in order to subdue and inform the man of his transgressions.

44

Getting a Ride Home

If a man acts as your designated driver, you owe him an equivalent favor.

Also, if your driver has managed to attract a woman and stands a reasonable chance of taking her home, he is entitled to place a request for you to find alternative transportation.

If the cab fare if more than your bar tab for the evening, he is expected but not obligated to pay half of it. This clause doesn’t apply if the man actually takes the woman home.

This law doesn’t apply if the man expects to hook up with his girlfriend, and is still obligated to get you home.

59

Sleeping Accomodations

Men who are forced to occupy close living quarters should not occupy the same bed. In all situations, the floor should be preferred.

However, if it becomes infeasible to do so, wearing sweat pants or other fully-covering garment of clothing is necessary.

65

Hot Girl Proximity

If you detect the presence of an attractive girl (7 or better), it is your duty and obligation to silently nudge your buddy and indicate.

No words are needed, just silent appreciation.

77

The 10 Minute Rule

When sharing a room with another man, there is always the possibility that he will bring a woman in to the room to fool around. This is always accepted, encouraged and praised.

When this is a possibility, a man must respect the 10 Minute Rule by knocking on the door. The man inside must indicate whether it is clear to enter. If no response is heard, a man must wait up to 10 minutes before unlocking the door and entering.

This favor must always be repayed.

This rule is void if the girl is your buddy’s girlfriend.

67

Cheating Intervention

You must make an honest attempt to intervene before a friend has a drunken hookup with another girl while in a committed relationship.

It is not your duty to police the relationship, only to offer a friendly reminder.

If the man indicates that he is of sound mind and will, you are obligated to let him make his own mistakes.

If asked by his girlfriend, you know nothing, as per the Secrecy code, but it is expected that you have a great deal less respect for the man.

 

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