If you miss the high five on the first attempt, no re-attempt can be made in a manly way. Accept defeat and move on.
You must make an honest attempt to intervene before a friend has a drunken hookup with another girl while in a committed relationship.
It is not your duty to police the relationship, only to offer a friendly reminder.
If the man indicates that he is of sound mind and will, you are obligated to let him make his own mistakes.
If asked by his girlfriend, you know nothing, as per the Secrecy code, but it is expected that you have a great deal less respect for the man.
In all situations, it is a man’s duty to protect himself and those around him.
If a man is seen or known to be physically abusing a woman or child, it is your duty to recruit enough fellow men to whoop his ass.
The Testicular Protection code does not apply, and you are allowed and expected to inflict any amount of pain possible in order to subdue and inform the man of his transgressions.
When on a road trip, major logistical decisions may be made by the driver of the vehicle. Decisions can only be overruled by the owner of the vehicle.
This includes food and urination breaks. However, should the driver abuse his power and the vehicle becomes soiled, the driver will take full responsibility. With this considered, it is prudent of a driver to use discretion and to be reasonable
Beer or other alcoholic beverages may not be hidden in the refrigerator under any circumstances. It is acceptable for the owner to request other beverages be consumed first, but in the event of a shortage, all beer is fair game.
Hiding beer is a Tier 3 infraction.
Cigars are manly.
Every man should at least once in his life, smoke a premium cigar.
A man will not consider a premium cigar one he bought at a gas station.
A man will know how to cut and properly light the cigar.
Cheerleading is only a spectator sport.
A friend’s sister is completely off limits for all forms of dating activity unless the intent of marriage is provable to a court of fellow men.
For the above statement, a man is officially your friend when you have met any of the following conditions:
- You have bought more than 1 drink for this person in the past month.
- You have invited this person to a party, sporting event or music venue.
- You have had any form of a man-date.
- You have spent more than 60 minutes in conversation with this person by choice (i.e., not stuck seated adjacent on a transcontinental flight, etc.)
- You have ever referred to this person by any of the following terms: bro, buddy, chief, this guy I know.
Notable Exceptions: The friend in question has the right to grant consent in allowing you to pursue his sister, but should not do so lightly, as a one-time consent is permanently valid and irrevocable.
- Making his sister cry: The brother may swing at you up to three punches before you may engage in any form physical defense or offense. This is a tier 7 offense.
- Making his sister pregnant: The brother may enlist as many other men as he chooses in order to start an altercation with you. At the brother’s discretion, they may beat you to any extent except death, as you will be required by man-code to provide financial support until the baby has graduated from Harvard. This is a tier 9 offense.
You may never compliment another man on his physical appearance.
It will not be accepted, for example, to compliment the diameter of another man’s bicep, as this can be misconstrued as a homosexual remark. Alternatively, you may compliment a man’s improvement at the gym.
Joe, you’re arms are looking huge. WRONG
Holy shit Joe, you did twice as many reps as last month. BETTER
In all situations, a silent nod will be acceptable.
Tools: The more, the manlier. A man spends his extra money on tools.
Every man’s toolbox is custom for his interests and needs, but every man must have the following in his toolbox.
- Duct tape – For when it moves but shouldn’t.
- WD40 – For when it doesn’t move but should.