93

Cats and Dogs

Dogs are and shall always be man’s best friend.

Cats are plotting to kill you.

A dog is a man’s true companion. You will risk your life to save your dog’s, as he would do the same. He will be there when your woman leaves, when your car dies and when your team loses the Super Bowl by 1 point.

The cat is not a pet, it’s a mutineer, and it’s plotting to end your life as your sleep. Always keep a watchful eye.

115

Messing Around with your Buddy’s Girl

Any form of sexual interaction with your buddy’s girlfriend is punishable beyond the man code. You will need to refer to your state’s Crimes of Passion laws.

There are a few exceptions that decrease the severity of the transgression (similiar to ‘A Friend’s Ex‘:

  • Verbal consent of the friend, witnessed by at least two other men.
  • The girl in question was involved with you prior to her interaction with the friend.
  • The friend has knowingly engaged in the pursuit of a woman you were interested in (retribution clause).
139

Tools

Tools: The more, the manlier. A man spends his extra money on tools.

Every man’s toolbox is custom for his interests and needs, but every man must have the following in his toolbox.

  • Duct tape – For when it moves but shouldn’t.
  • WD40 – For when it doesn’t move but should.
48

Borrowing

A friend of a man will be permitted to borrow any item of a fellow man’s under certain condtions.

  • The borrower has given 24-hour notice if the item is used on a daily basis by the owner.
  • The borrower has given 12-hour notice if the item is used occasionally by the owner.
  • The borrower may ask for immediate lending if the item is rarely used by the owner.

The item may be refused for lending only if any of the following conditions are met;

  • The item has intrinsic value as a family heirloom or keepsake.
  • The item is extremely delicate.
  • The item cannot be operated without certain training (this doesn’t apply to tools as any man has inherited skill as a craftsmen).
  • The item is a wife or girlfriend, which likely makes the former three conditions apply.
59

Road Trip Pit Stops

When on a road trip, major logistical decisions may be made by the driver of the vehicle. Decisions can only be overruled by the owner of the vehicle.

This includes food and urination breaks. However, should the driver abuse his power and the vehicle becomes soiled, the driver will take full responsibility. With this considered, it is prudent of a driver to use discretion and to be reasonable

46

Getting a Ride Home

If a man acts as your designated driver, you owe him an equivalent favor.

Also, if your driver has managed to attract a woman and stands a reasonable chance of taking her home, he is entitled to place a request for you to find alternative transportation.

If the cab fare if more than your bar tab for the evening, he is expected but not obligated to pay half of it. This clause doesn’t apply if the man actually takes the woman home.

This law doesn’t apply if the man expects to hook up with his girlfriend, and is still obligated to get you home.

-54

Bail Money

Should a friend ever be arrested and jailed for a period of more than 1 night, it is the obligation of a man to post bail money up to 3 months pay.

Notable exceptions:

  • It is the expectation that should the defendant’s act not have violated any of the man code, an honorably friend would have participated in the act and should be jailed also.
91

Road Trip Music

The radio is under complete control of the vehicles operator, but may be overruled by unanimous plea. Driver waives rights to music control should they ever play music that is deemed ‘not in the spirit of the road trip’ by the rest of those in the vehicle.

In the event of inability to agree on a radio station, the driver may elect that his own or another’s iPod may be used for music, but is also subject to overrule.

80

Compliments

You may never compliment another man on his physical appearance.

It will not be accepted, for example, to compliment the diameter of another man’s bicep, as this can be misconstrued as a homosexual remark. Alternatively, you may compliment a man’s improvement at the gym.

Example:

Joe, you’re arms are looking huge. WRONG

Holy shit Joe, you did twice as many reps as last month. BETTER

In all situations, a silent nod will be acceptable.

71

Hot Girl Proximity

If you detect the presence of an attractive girl (7 or better), it is your duty and obligation to silently nudge your buddy and indicate.

No words are needed, just silent appreciation.

 

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