191

Violence

In all situations, it is a man’s duty to protect himself and those around him.

If a man is seen or known to be physically abusing a woman or child, it is your duty to recruit enough fellow men to whoop his ass.

The Testicular Protection code does not apply, and you are allowed and expected to inflict any amount of pain possible in order to subdue and inform the man of his transgressions.

111

Picking Sports Teams

When playing a sport, it is customary to elect two captains and stand the remaining individuals in line. First choice is determined by coin flip or other agreement of your choice.

Both captains alternate in picking members of their team until no choices remain.

If acting as captain, you may pick superior athletes over your buddy for a few rounds in order to preserve the athletic potential of your team, however it is improper to allow your buddy to be last picked. This is classified as a dick move.

86

Preventing Hookups

Sometimes, it may be necessary for a friend’s integrity to intervene before he hooks up with a woman. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including inability to recognize his own beer goggles, the girls 7′0″ 300 lb boyfriend, or that strange bulge in her pants that your buddy has overlooked.

When choosing to intervene, you may only do so when the act of intervention renders both of you unable to hookup. In other words, it cannot be performed in a competitive nature:

  • You may turn the lights on.
  • You may discontinue your friend from drinking.
  • You may not slip in to the conversation while your buddy is in the bathroom.
73

Women’s Driving Skill

It shall not be considered chauvinism to accuse a woman or the entire gender of inability to drive.

There are simply skills that each gender holds alone. Women can do some amazing things, but driving is simply not one of them.

Men are spacial, women are verbal. We cannot be expected to effectively communicate, but damnit, we know where our back bumper is.

Chauvinism
129

Meat

Meat is manly, and all vegetarians may be excessively mocked under man code.

Rules to live by for men:

  • Refer to the steak laws.
  • Tofu shall never be a substitute.
  • Keep is simple – beer, steak sauce, salt and pepper are all good with beer, but Tabbouleh with finely chopped parsely is probably unmanly.
  • Meat shall always be grilled and/or cooked over an open fire.
  • It is encouraged to kill your own meat (your girlfriend’s cat inclusively).
85

Gifts for the Fellow Man

Some other man code dictates that the giving of birthday or other gifts is unmanly.

This code declares that gift-giving is acceptable providing that the gift is manly.

Manly gift ideas include boxes of cigars, chainsaws, pet tigers and drag racers.

134

Secrecy

A man must claim ignorance on the whereabouts of the fellow man when asked by his wife, girlfriend or significant other.

This law is intrinsic and automatically applies without having to be asked.

Notable exceptions:

  • A man may divulge a fellow man’s whereabouts in extraordinary situations including: natural disasters, personal emergencies, police intervention, etc.
  • This rule is null and void if the fellow man is in considerable debt to the man under question: this includes significant monetary or beer debt. However, this exception only is applicable once per debt, and cannot be used again until the fellow man as accrued another debt.

Violation of a man’s trust requires a tier 4 penalty for first offense, but a more severe penalty may be required if significant repercussions occur by the divulging of information.

249

Girlfriend’s Pets

You must provide intermittent care for a girlfriend’s pets (feeding, etc.)

You are required to show small levels of affection for these animals despite how delicious Fluffy may look.

If the animal dies, you are also required to show sympathy for the loss, knowing that the girl will return the favor if you ever wreck your Chevy.

49

Road Trip Gasoline Expenses

Gasoline costs shall be split evenly among those participating. The vehicle’s owner may be allowed to pass on a single contribution to the fuel fund in exchange for the use of his vehicle, but this must be agreed upon in advance.

40

Calling ‘Fives’

When vacating a seat for a short amount of time, the holder may announce ‘Fives’. If the word has been said before the ass leaves the pillow, the holder has up to five minutes to retain rights to the seat.

The owner of the seat may overrule this man code, but abuse of that power will lead down a path to the dark side, which eventually will leave that man stranded on the back seat hump during the next 5 hour road trip, so discretion is advised.

 

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